Killian's Blog/Website/Whatever

Updates on life, in convenient list form: 1. Operation Social Time was a success! I actually ran into someone at Life Drawing who I'd met at a party about a month ago. And she's awesome (obviously--I mean, we ran into each other at a community center life drawing night). Success! After I came home that night, I put on my pjs and battled the usual feelings of embarrassment (because I am always so dang convinced I've said a million stupid things) and then passed thoroughly out. 2. Went to some new pubs. Found a little one downtown that I'll probably frequent, and spent some time in the sunshine drinking ginger beer on the front lawn of another that's right by Port Meadow. 3. Sunshine is great. Glad we had like two days of it before winter decided to return. Back to getting vitamin D in pill form... 4. My new favorite place is the small Polish grocery store in the little outdoor shopping center by my house. They've been open for about two weeks, and I've be...

Everyone experiences feelings they do not like: jealousy, guilt, etc. Well, perhaps some people do like to feel these things, but then I assume the feeling they dislike is calm. I am currently experiencing feelings of resentment. Though my logical brain feels otherwise, my emotional responses to anyone in my field who I perceive to be successful (or even "more successful than me") are extremely bitter this afternoon. I am not envious of their money or their accolades or their fans; I am envious of the fact that they seem able to get their shit done. I am an occasional procrastinator, but I have been fighting those old urges, and I've been fairly successful. I work every day. I think about my work in the quiet moments before dinner, before bed, while I'm eating my lunch. And yet. I've tried to lower my standards, to just get shit out on the page, but even then--I typically get one or two days of real writing, unencumbered, absolutely flowing, two days of it. And w...

I want to make friends in this city. I've been here for 3 months, almost to the day, and I've been playing it pretty safe thus far. Tonight, D is going to a co-worker's house for a thing, and I'm going on a [terrifying/exhilarating/mostly terrifying] solo adventure involving a life drawing hour at a community center, followed by an open mic night. The last time I went out on a limb like this was extremely disappointing, but I think it'll be different this time. I'm nervous (blah blah I'm an introvert blah) but, at the very least, I'll get some drawing time out of it. (And I haven't done non-photo-based i.e. real Life Drawing since my art class almost 3 years ago, so I'm stoked!!) Word on the street is that trying new things is good. New city, new country, TWO new events, and I won't know a single person there--I should be an expert on leaving my comfort zone by, like, 7pm. Wish me luck?

I'm in bed already. It's 9pm. I'm settling in to read for a while, and it starts pouring down rain. My bedroom is an attic, and the rain falls heavy on the roof. I like it. I'm tucked into flannel sheets with The Brothers Karamazov next to me, and I'm reading by the light of my cell phone because I lack a proper lamp. It works well. I like it. It's dark and I can see the dust floating over the little yellow glow of light and, in this strange cave of mine, where I curl up like a mouse and am safe in my nest, though I am alone I am, for at least this blissful moment, very fond of night.